My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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