Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
