Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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