My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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