I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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