Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
