i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
