Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
