she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
