We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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