I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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