Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
