forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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