I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
