I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
