Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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