so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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