had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
