My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
