So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
