ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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