Will you blow on my dice?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
