And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
