Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus