Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
