thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
