Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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