I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
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I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
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I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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