You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
