The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
