Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
