Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
