told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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