We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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