I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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