I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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