Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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