So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
