her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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