i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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