Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
