3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
