i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The adults are the big ones right?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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