If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
