this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
