New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
