In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
