I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
