my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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