they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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