Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
there's paper in my vomit.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
