you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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