I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
