haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
