My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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