My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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