I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
