I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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