college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Holy shit dude........stairs
where are my eyebrows?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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